Pre-Election Jitters

First, I want to stress that I am not at all nervous about the election. The sun will come up in the east no matter which candidates win, and no matter which propositions pass, and there will still be music and root vegetables and the glint of sunshine on the water. Politics is not everything - unless you live in a country that gets invaded by another much larger country that bombs your house and forces you into a refugee camp. Then politics matters. But who is more powerful than us? No one! Well, OK, China, and probably Russia, and technically the European Union. But still, it's just an election. And I'd rather you didn't talk about it right now. No, wait, tell me everything. What have you heard? But don't tell me that Obama's really far ahead, because that would be conventional wisdom and conventional wisdom is often wrong and there would be talk of the McCain Miracle. Oh God no. But don't tell me Obama's behind, either. Sometimes polls are wrong, but mostly they are not wrong, and if he's behind, then probably he's going to lose, and then I would have to move to Canada and hide in my daughter's basement in Montreal. Because I could not take four more years of Republicans. Could not. William Kristol alone would drive me crazy. Next Wednesday, I want to see William Kristol rolling on the floor in agony. Metaphorically, of course. I wish no ill to any man - except George Bush. Him, I wish ill to. Ill ill ill, George Bush! And don't tell me the election is close! I hate close. What if it's so close it's decided in Florida again? Or Ohio, where they have these machines that eat Democratic votes? I'll be up at 3 in the morning worrying about Nevada. I don't want to worry about Nevada. Vote stealing! I don't want to hear about that. Time was, you could always count on the Democrats to steal enough votes for most eventualities. But now the Republicans have gotten the hang of it, and they probably have secret maps that indicate that if they can manipulate the vote in just five precincts, then the reign of error and terror can continue. Am I being paranoid? Of course I'm being paranoid. Anyone remember a little Supreme Court case called Bush vs. Gore? And I don't want to hear about any October Surprise. It's getting very late for an October Surprise, but you never know. My enemies have tricks up their sleeves. They could, I dunno, suspend the election on national security grounds. They could create an international incident that requires a military man to manage it. Bomb bomb Iran - McCain has already prepared for that possibility. Now, I think most Americans would be appalled if we bombed Iran, but what do I know? Does America ever think the way I think? It does not. Don't tell me that polls indicate that America thinks the way I think, that it is heartbroken by the waste and stupidity of the war in Iraq, that it blames the Republicans for messing up the environment and making everyone hate us. America never thinks the way I think. I have my finger on the pulse of, I dunno, three women in Mill Valley. So you'll make me nervous if you talk like that. So don't mention it. Pretend it's not happening. I don't care about Sarah Palin's clothes. I don't care about Sarah Palin at all. I never want to read another word about her. Did she hurt the ticket? Did she help the ticket? What about white women over 40? How will they vote? What if it rains? Is there a danger of overconfidence? I told you not to talk to me about this. Can an African American person really be president of the United States? All my life, I've been sure that the answer to that question was "no," which is why I don't want to talk about it. If the polls say "yes, yes" and my experience says "no, no," my head will begin to revolve. I want it to be next Wednesday. I want Obama to win, and I want to start getting fretful about something else. Imagine what mischief George Bush is going to attempt between now and Jan. 20. He's gonna pre-pardon everybody for everything. He's going to kill endangered species with his bare hands. He's going to deforest entire states. Now, that's gonna be terrible, but there will be a date certain, as they say, when he has to go back to Texas and do - well, pretty much nothing, is my guess. Jimmy Carter he ain't.